Professor Yoda’s union card
Press: Immediate release (into the wild)
RECTIFY THE ALBATROSS!
Following recent merger talks with ASCHUFF (Associated Society of Condors and Hawks, Fur and Feather), Bath UCU has acquired a president not only of the branch, but on the branch, a dedicated militant of the class struggle, red in tooth and claw. ASCHUFF, founded by Big Jim Lark, brings a long history of industrial action and a welcome ability to eat the internal organs of class enemies.
Branch meeting
Professor Yoda The Owl, well known for his role as a flying picket in the Mynahs’ Strike, and author of the oral history “Magpie! Magpie! Magpie! Out! Out! Out!”, is the first new member of staff taken on after management’s reversal of policy on so-called Zero-Owl Contracts. Professor The Owl’s presidency comes at a time of increased militancy on the branch, amidst staff concerns at uncontrolled rises in the pay of the Vice-Chaffinch at a time when ordinary members of staff are suffering real terms cuts to their chicken-feed.
Asked to respond to public unease about the size of her remuneration, in the midst of renewed avian militancy, Professor Dame Glynis Broadbill said of her all-the-seed-you-can-eat package, and exclusive nest on that gutter over the chip shop on Kingsmead Square: “I’m worth it. Tweet. Woo! Is that an abandoned plate of chips?”
The new branch president’s first act has been to negotiate a reversal of the Bath Against Cats policy of opposing cats, in the interest of building a Popular Front Against Them Fecking Seagulls, a city-wide movement opposed to seagulls nicking chips and generally making life a misery for hard-working families and drunks.
“Loose lips lose chips” said Professor The Owl when asked to justify this apparent Claws Four moment and reversal of traditional Liver policy. “If hard-working families are to enjoy the birthright of the working class, a bag of chips and some dodgy ketchup, then the scourge of scab seagulls will have to be dealt with, and by God it will be. We perch with all drinkers trying to get a falafel down on their way to the Brew House for a couple of scoops after a picket. Them up in Wessex House with their skinny so-called chips can expect just the solidarity they gave us. From a height.”
A union source has refused to confirm or deny rumours that Professor The Owl would rather eat mice than University of Bath campus food.
Quotes:
“Marx my words, a vote for Jeremy Corvid as leader of the Liver party is a vote for hard-working raptors and against the creeping Blairism of Liz Kestrel and the accomodationism of Andy Bushtit and Yvette Condor”, said Professor The Owl after a packed branch meeting agreed to endorse Corvid’s leadership bid.
“No, I will not be tweeting messages of support. What kind of cheep satire do you think this is?”